Before we begin, this is going to be a very personal post. Please feel free to skip this one/click away if it becomes too heavy for you.
Hello, it’s me again. Unfortunately, this time I write while feeling very down. And again, I fall back to this site for a sense of peace. While this site has mostly helped me document and process happy memories, it has also helped me work through the tinge of sadness that came with leaving behind the days of my travels. So that is exactly what I’m relying on this site to do for me today – let go.
My life changed in a significant way many months ago and then again in May. I was upset in many ways about how things had panned out over these months, but one day, I just couldn’t take it anymore. And that was it. I decided to give up, for good.
My mind and body are both exhausted. There are times where I can’t help but ruminate. I can’t help but feel bad and like a failure. And yet, nothing can be done anymore. Perhaps rightfully so.
It’s hard not to zoom into your own mistakes and build a sense of regret. It’s even harder to try not to blame anyone and be resentful. When you are very hurt and there’s nothing that can be done about it, there are so many conflicting feelings that just mess with your mind.
Sometimes you can’t help but wonder what could have been. Sometimes you’re so angry you just want to scream. Sometimes you’re so vulnerable and sad you just want to cry. And yet, it all feels like it’s in vain at the end of the day.
Maybe some things aren’t meant to be, but damn does it still hurt. It hurts because it’s so difficult to let go of something you tried very hard for. It hurts to realise how little your feelings actually mattered.
There’s also an uncomfortable awareness about some things that I’d really rather not think about. It’s all very confusing, frustrating and demoralising, if I’m being honest.
I know the saying goes that time heals all wounds, so that’s exactly what I’m placing my hope on. The anxiety is honestly the hardest part to deal with, but I experience it with the knowledge that emotions are always temporary. And so, I’m going to tell myself that I’m not going to beat myself up for feeling this way. I will continue to build a little bit of happiness for myself everyday.
My only hope for myself is that one day I’ll be able to look at this post and be at peace regardless of where I’m at in my life.